Image: CBS

The Big Bang Theory is a CBS sitcom about a group of geeky adults that has run for 12 staggeringly long years. In that time period, it has attracted critical ire, many Emmys, and earned its stars million-dollar salaries. But now this show is dying and I, a pop culture critic with a heart made of onyx who has never even seen a single episode, have decided to watch the program weekly to pay my respects—and also roast it to death one last time.

Season 12, Episode 12: The Propagation Proposition

Summary: Oh god, there’s more baby drama this episode. Penny runs into old ex-boyfriend Zack, an idiot who is now insanely rich and owns a boat named “Off the Menu.” He invites her and Leonard over for dinner with his equally stupid wife, a former bookseller who has never heard of Catcher in the Rye. And then out of nowhere, the two ask Leonard for his sperm so they can have a baby!

Penny is understandably uncomfortable, but Leonard is into it. And more than that, he doesn’t seem to understand why Penny hates the idea. When Penny complains about it, Bernadette says, “Well, there is a deep-seated biological drive to pass on your genes, it’s only natural.” “Viewing Leonard as a mammal, it’s perfectly understandable,” Amy adds. “But viewing him as your husband, he stinks!” Bernadette says. Why do I feel like everyone on this show who isn’t Penny is a big Jordan Peterson fan? Eventually, Penny sort of begrudgingly gives Leonard the a-okay out of guilt, because, she says, “When I told you I didn’t want to have kids, you didn’t have a say in that.” Uh, who cares girl? Have a say in everything!

Meanwhile, Raj and Anu are dealing with their awkward conversation last week where they decided to not get married. Raj comes to Anu’s house to win her back Love Actually-style with the big ole cards (she hasn’t seen it, impressive.) Anu asks Raj why he even wants to get married, and he responds, “You know, family! And India and stuff.” That is, of course, not a good enough reason, but Raj ultimately apologizes and the two agree to go on a date and start anew.

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Worst joke: Surprise, surprise, Sheldon is mad his sperm wasn’t chosen. “I’m smart, I’m nice, and I can eat cheese without clearing out a room,” he says.

Nerdiest moment: The boys all play some D&D and honestly, Big Bang Theory’s representation of “nerds” is awfully dated. Like, yes, I get it, “nerds” love Dungeons & Dragons and superheroes, but it’s 2019, not 1985. At the very least, one of them should be building a terrible app, growing out their beard to look like a Silicon Valley garden gnome, or coming into the comments of Jezebel to yell anonymously at writers for gleefully roasting the The Big Bang Theory, don’t you think? *Me, swilling The Big Bang Theory in my glass like a fine wine* These are not historically accurate nerds.

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What I learned this week: Nothing. Not even one recipe!

Did I laugh?: Nah, bro.

How dead is this show?: You know when you chop a fish’s head off and the body is still moving, wriggling around wildly and it just makes you want to scream, STOP! Die already! That reminds me of how The Big Bang Theory is doing.