Weird That Lifetime Lets Me Name Movies With a Dartboard After Three Beers

Lifetime has announced its movies for the upcoming fall, and the channel appears to be leaning hard on its early 1990s “true tales of peril” playbook.

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Lifetime has set its fall movie lineup with seven young adult-focused films that tackle topics such as mental health, suicide and teen domestic dating violence, with Shannen Doherty, Mira Sorvino, Bella Thorne, Austin P. Mckenzie, Angela Kinsey Jason Patric and Caitlin Stasey among the cast,” reported Deadline. That’s a lot of very dark territory crammed into one quarter of the year.

Weirdly, they let me name them all, using a highly evolved system composed of darts and a wall covered in supermarket tabloids from the 1970s. Here’s what I came up with:

  • The Girl in the Bathtub
  • Terror in the Woods
  • Conrad & Michelle: If Words Could Kill
  • No One Would Tell
  • Believe Me: The Lisa McVey Story
  • The Lover in the Attic
  • The Bad Seed

Anyway, I’m kidding, of course—I didn’t name these movies. Their titles were actually created by an artificial intelligence engine fed the entire oeuvre of V.C. Andrews.

Senior Editor, Attic Haunter, Jezebel

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Is “No One Would Tell” a remake?