What Bachelor in Paradise Mess Is Upon Us, and When Will Dean Unglert Shave?

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Bachelor in Paradise Season 6 premieres August 5, and it cannot come soon enough. From Hannah Brown’s snoozy, sometimes horny Bachelorette season to Colton Underwood’s fence jump, the fairytale franchise has been remarkably lackluster until now—the summer—when all our favorite losers from past seasons come together to get pruny in a hot tub and maybe fall in love.

Let’s make some uneducated guesses based on the teaser clip shared by ABC.

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  • E! News reported on Monday that Dean Unglert and Caelynn Miller-Keyes are dating... which is either a spoiler for the forthcoming season, or a spoiler for the aftermath of the season, which has clearly already been filmed? I don’t know. Either way, this is bad news for Deanie Babies. Perhaps not as bad as his new mustache and greasy long hair, which is a true disappointment. I hope the couple at least get together in Paradise, so I may watch the romance occur in real time—but if their romance is real, it probably started in a DM. That’s just his style.
  • Demi Burnett from Colton’s season won’t find love, but she’ll drop a lot of memorable one-liners and that’s all we need from her...
  • ...And someone will bring up the time Courtney shoved a pacifier in her mouth.
  • John Paul Jones has learned about feminism in the months since he got cut from Hannah’s season and is prepared to use his newfound knowledge to score a few sponsorships on Instagram.
  • Nicole Lopez from Colton’s season will cry, a lot. Ashley Iaconetti, who?
  • Everyone will get drunk and someone will ride a horse on the beach at sunset.

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Maria Sherman

Senior Writer, Jezebel