Oh come all ye Housewives faithful and join me at the proverbial pulpit, as we glance upon this year’s Housewives franchise freshman class, the good and faithful ladies of Salt Lake City. These ladies are unique to the Bravo-multiverse in that they are putting their respective faiths (Mormonism, Judaism, Islam, and Pentecostalism) on full display in a way that Housewives of yesteryear haven’t done since Joe Giudice got sent to prison and suddenly that whole family became super Catholic.
In honor of the quest for holiness, it’s only fair that we, the heathens of Jezebel, take the time to really critically assess the women on how holy they can manage to be while still being interesting on camera, a true talent. Each week, we will judge each star on the parameters of her professed faith, with the one godless ex-Mormon being held to Mormon standards since she is “descended from Mormon royalty.”
Because of the Lord’s grace and mercy, each woman will begin each episode with five halos—the max number allowed in this game no one asked me to create—and can either lose, gain, or maintain. Let’s friggin’ go!
One would think that Mary should be immediately stripped of all of her halos because she is, to put it gently, a grandpa fucker. (She married her step-grandfather after her grandmother died.) However, Mary doesn’t lose any points for this because incest is featured in the Old Testament (see: Lot and his daughters) and Mary being bathed in the blood of Christ means that one sin is forgiven—but, I assure you, never forgotten. However, as a former Pentecostal myself, there are some basic rules of dress women are expected to adhere to, which include but are not limited to: no pants, no short skirts, and no piercings. Mary was wearing some lovely diamond earrings throughout the first episode that didn’t look like clip-ons. Shame!
It’s unclear where Jen is on her journey to conversion but since she has already married a Muslim man, I must hold her to the standards of our faith—although I will give her some leniency this episode because she told her son that he could contract an STD just from kissing a girl, and that’s the most Muslim thing you can say to a child outside of the shadah. However, drinking is a huge no-no, as is backbiting. (Backbiting is just gossiping but the word “backbiting” is in the Quran so that’s the term we have to go with for accuracy’s sake.) This should drop Jen down two full halos, yet her strict approach to her son’s dating life saved her this time.
When Whitney’s bio said that she was descended of Mormon royalty I didn’t think she meant it so literally but apparently, her fourth great-grandfather was a bodyguard to Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, which is like basically one foot in the door of the celestial kingdom already. Good for you, Whit. But you know what’s not allowed in the kingdom? Tattoos. For this reason Whitney will start every episode with four halos instead of the allotted five, as the tattoos are a permanent ruining of her temple. The serving and drinking of alcohol, as well as the cursing, don’t help her case.
Lisa is instantly my second favorite because she looks just like Drita from Mob Wives and is from New York. This doesn’t garner her any extra holy points, but it’s just something nice to say, since other than that she seems to be an enormous asshole. Lisa owns a tequila company that I’ve never heard of, which is religiously worse than the other castmates who just socially drink. Much like Whitney, the liquor company will be a permanent negative holy point, unless she sells it during the season. Prayer hands crossed for her salvation.
Blessed be to Heather, who was extremely close to perfect and even got herself a bonus holy point for being a virgin when she got married—which negated any point loss triggered by her subsequent divorce, praise be! But she didn’t quite make it to the end with her drinking and her swearing. Maybe next time!
In a twist I did not see coming, Meredith, the Jewish jewelry designe,r has garnered Holy Father’s favor this week—but only because there are no laws in Judaism that I’m aware of which bar believers from wearing horrifically ugly dresses that look like two Sesame Street characters sewn together. But if I find such a law in my research, Meredith is going down.
Thus concludes this week’s edition of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City: Holiness Rankings.