'You're Not Going to End Up Happy in the Long Run': The Bachelor Goes to Vietnam

On Monday night, two Jezebel staffers with varying degrees of encyclopedic knowledge about the modern Bachelor universe watched the sixth episode of Colton Underwood’s season of The Bachelor. The wine was poured, and the virgin jokes flowed. This is their story.

Maria: Last night took a turn for me, personally, and I’m over this season. Episode six was the second half of a two-parter; last week left off with Onyeka and Nicole’s cocktail party blow out, which Colton made no real attempt to mediate, and instead, just, like, sat nearish them for a minute? When he could no longer take the heat, he went for a walk along the beach. Chris Harrison followed to ask him how he’s doing, and Colton looked almost teary eyed. When everything cooled down at the rose ceremony, both Onyeka and Nicole were sent home—which could be seen from a mile away, but pissed me off nonetheless. When Hannah B. and Caelynn first had their drama, Colton gave them multiple opportunities to change and spoke to them, individually, on multiple occasions, gently nudging them to fix their shit and move on. When the two not-white women get into a tiff, they’re not afforded the same luxury. But who am I kidding, we’re halfway through the season so all the women of color (with the exception of maybe Tayshia?) will get the boot soon enough.

The next day, which comprises Monday’s episode, Colton and the remaining ladies head for Nha Trang, Vietnam, where Hannah G. scores the first one-on-one date. I’m not totally sure why. It’s very clear that he’s horny for her. At this point, shouldn’t he try to see if he has lingering connections with other women he hasn’t spent any real time with?

They go to a spa and get wrapped in what looks like giant banana leaves. Colton says, “You look like a sushi roll,” to Hannah G. and in a later interview segment, follows up with “I’d eat that sushi roll.” Was he making a pussy eatin’ joke? Will we ever know?

Lisa: I’m over it, too. I’m already having daydreams about all the fun things I can do once I get two hours of my Monday back. Soon…

Of course Colton’s horny for Hannah G., the “content creator.” On this date, he had to see if he was horny for her heart, too. And after he sits through her very un-tragic sob story about her mom driving a car through her dad’s perfectly manicured lawn before getting a divorce, it seems like he might be.

Hannah’s dad, probably:

Another quick thing to note: I screamed when they cut back to the house during Hannah’s date, where Caelynn was suggesting Hannah relies on her beauty too much. Didn’t she and Hannah B. meet when they were competing in a beauty pageant? Glass houses, girl.

After Hannah G.’s date, everyone else but Kirpa goes on a group date, where they learn the Vietnamese martial art vovinam and essentially fight to the death, moderated by the host of Bachelor Vietnam, who is much hotter than Chris Harrison. Hannah B. excels, and after her show of survival skills last week in the jungle, I feel confident she is who I would call to help me commit and then cover up a murder. Katie and Demi were really going at it, using each other’s faces as an outlet for their frustration over still not getting a one-on-one. Colton gets nervous that someone might actually get hurt, and cuts it short. Wow, who could have imagined that putting a group of women all dating the same man in an environment where they are encouraged to hit each other might be bad?

he had to see if he was horny for her heart, too.

Maria: Last night was the first time that I’ve considered how shitty all the group dates have been. Remember when they had to pull a limousine? How is all this physicality meant to be romantic?

After Demi gets her ass kicked, the women head back to where they’re staying. Sydney, who has been mostly silent this season, approaches Colton and is like, “Why aren’t you picking me for one-on-one dates?” I applaud her assertiveness, but Colton doesn’t like strong women, or something, and shuts down. She realizes their conversation was wack and approaches him for a second time before deciding to leave. Good for you, girl. Get out of there.

Tayshia gets the group date rose. I don’t remember why and I don’t really care, because she’s dope.

The next day, Kirpa goes on a date—they go snorkeling, they dive off boats, they make out. It’s cute. She reveals to Colton that she once dated a dude for eight years who was saving himself for marriage. Their engagement didn’t last, but at least we know she’s down for virgins. I really thought Colton was going to give her the axe this week, but he didn’t. It’s week six and I’m like, wow, this is the first good decision he’s ever made.

When everyone retires to their rooms, Demi sneaks over to Colton’s suite and becomes the first person not-named Hannah to tell him she’s falling in love with him. He responds by telling her, “There is a part of me that doesn’t know if we can get there… I don’t know if I can see myself with you at the end of this… I can’t, after hearing this tonight, put you through a rose ceremony,” and sends her home! A true shock! Except when she’s about to walk out the door, she couldn’t resist one last Demi-ism and says, “You’re not going to end up happy in the long run,” to which he, in full passive aggressive form, mumbles back, “Appreciate that.” Colton is such a wiener.

Lisa: He gave Tayshia the rose for “challenging” him, after Sydney is the third girl this episode to tell him someone in the house might not be ready for marriage at the end of this reality show. What more do you need to cement an engagement besides six group dates and a quick meet-the-parents? How dare these women demand more.

Farewell to Demi, and farewell to all the remaining entertainment value on this forsaken television program. I’ll miss her antics the most.

When Kirpa tells Colton about her former engagement, Colton gets extremely defensive when she implies that he is saving himself for marriage, correcting to say he is only saving himself for the right person (aka, he’s ready to bone ASAP). She gets a rose and gets to spend at least another week on this ABC-funded vacation before probably being sent home.

At the rose ceremony, Colton says goodbye to Katie, another woman who we didn’t get to see much of during her time on the show. Bummer. During the preview for next week, it looks like we are FINALLY going to see Colton jump the fence, but I don’t know what to believe anymore. We also see Cassie crying in the backseat of a car, could our prospective winner end up not even making it to hometowns?

Maria: I can’t believe he got rid of Katie instead of Heather. Bad call, bro.