Screenshot: CBS

The Big Bang Theory is a CBS sitcom about a group of geeky adults that has run for 12 staggeringly long years. In that time period, it has attracted critical ire, many Emmys, and earned its stars million-dollar salaries. But now this show is dying and I, a pop culture critic with a heart made of onyx who has never even seen a single episode, have decided to watch the program weekly to pay my respects—and also roast it to death one last time.

Season 12, Episode 15: The Donation Oscillation

Summary: Remember a few episodes ago when Penny’s ex-boyfriend Zack asked Leonard to donate his sperm so Zack and his current girlfriend could have a baby? That stress-inducing storyline is back! Since Penny begrudgingly agreed to let Leonard go through with it (I, personally, would not let my boyfriend donate sperm to my ex-boyfriend for baby producing purposes but to each her own) Leonard is instructed to go five days without sex in order to produce the best sample.

Penny’s dad comes to town and makes some annoying comments about Penny not having a kids (she offers him a beer and he says “why wouldn’t you have one, since you’re not pregnant.) She blurts out that Leonard is sort-of having her ex-boyfriend’s baby, which annoys Penny’s dad. But later the two have a sort of heart-to-heart in which Penny’s dad asks her if she regrets her “baby planning,” to which she responds that she does only because she hates the idea of letting him and Leonard down. This is where I throw some metaphorical popcorn at the screen and scream “IT’S YOUR BODY BITCH!” But eventually Penny’s dad is like, “Listen, it’s fine, if this is your choice I support you.” Leonard also realizes he doesn’t like the idea of bringing a child into the world he can’t be a dad to.

Elsewhere in this episode Howard offers to take Raj on what was supposed to be his bachelor party: a “vomit comet” weightless simulation designed to mimic being in space. Leonard and Sheldon can’t go so Raj invites his gal Anu and Howard invites... Stuart from the comic shop. Naturally Bernadette is pissed even though Howard knows she won’t enjoy it because she’ll probably vomit. “I don’t want you to go if you’re going to be miserable and ruin it for everyone,” he says. Bernadette powers through to prove she’s more adventurous than Howard thinks she is, but freaks out upon getting to the simulation, saying that it’s too dangerous for both she and Howard to do it because they have kids at home. As I brought up last week, I’ve yet to see these children. Maybe I’m a Howard and Bernadette parent truther? Do you like my tinfoil hat? Howard offers to stay behind thinking Bernadette will chicken out, but she’s too hellbent on proving her point that she goes through with the simulation. No vomit to be found!

Worst joke: Zack tells Leonard that he’s hoping for a son so while he’s producing sperm for them at the clinic can he just keep thinking “little boys...little boys!”

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Nerdiest moment: Sheldon so desperately wants to be the sperm-giver that he bursts into Leonard and Zack’s meeting and makes comments about how blue his eyes are, how he’s never had cavities, and how he’s tall and smart.

What I learned this week: The longest Leonard has gone without sex is 24 years and the longest he’s gone without masturbating is 14 years.

Did I laugh?: No.

How dead is this show?: Actually, it died a few months and I’ve just been making up these recaps since then. In fact, I’m not even sure I work at Jezebel. Nobody on staff even knows who I am!