Image: Getty

Spoilers ahead.

Chris Pine’s dick in Outlaw King was all anyone could talk about at the Toronto International Film Festival where the film premiered, or at least, that’s how it seemed to me, reading about it as someone who did not attend the festival.

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Indeed, the Jezebel staff heard that our No. 1 Chris’s glorious member would be making an appearance and suddenly became very invested in seeing the Netflix movie, which I think is about some kings or some outlaws in Scotland, who I assume have some kind of beef and battle each other at some point. We waited breathlessly for that dick scene; each day tinged with possibility and excitement about what it could be. Would it have an elegant bush? Would you maybe be able to see some of his butt in a side shot, and would it be a nice butt? Is the dick revealed in a sexual context, or perhaps something with more gravitas? The answer is, of course it would be both sexy and serious, and I hoped it would be.

But beyond eye candy, Pine’s dick scene had the potential to be radical as well; women are all but expected to do nudity in film and increasingly in TV roles, but it’s much, much rarer to catch a glimpse of a man’s dick or butt onscreen. Even when it is shown, the camera may cut away after just a moment, necessitating viewing the movie at home with full control of the “rewind” and “play” buttons to experience it. So I was expecting a clear shot, maybe a bit of a linger, so as to signal to women: Hey, we get it; we should ask the same of men, and we are willing to do the work.

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It turns out, Pine’s dick is shot from a significant distance in Outlaw King, prohibiting the audience from taking any real viewing pleasure in its reveal, as he emerges from a kind of sad-looking lake in the nude. Everything is sad- and grey-looking, and so is my heart. After all that, this is the dick scene we get?

Screenshot: Netflix

Hold on a minute. Enhance.

Screenshot: Netflix

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It’s blurry. The rest of the Jezebel staff had this to say:

“Hm,” said Hazel Cills. “Squinting.” “What is going on here,” said Ecleen Caraballo. “Wait,” said Katie McDonough. Kelly Faircloth offered the magnifying glass emoji.

“I’m off today but swooping in to say that dick ain’t shit!!!” said Rich Juzwiak. Megan Reynolds, who also participated even though she is off today, told me, “Please note that I agree, the dick looks USELESS.”

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Clover Hope called it “obscured by drops,” which I agree with. Prachi Gupta mused that, “If there were no hair, I wouldn’t even see it.” Ashley Reese said, “I tried to put it in the curves tool,” which is a Photoshop thing. (I had to ask her; computer whiz over here!) Faircloth and Stassa Edwards noted that you get a multiplier of more dick in movies like Lady Chatterly’s Lover, A Room With a View, and The Piano. Reese added, “Couldn’t you [also see way more dick] in some movie called… Shame or something?” In fact, you can; it was Michael Fassbender’s dick, and apparently it was huge.

To Pine’s credit, I think he knew Fassbender’s dick is kind of an unofficial industry standard, and tried to temper our expectations, perhaps knowing in his heart of hearts that we’d call him and the movie out on this. I suppose we’ll just have to wait for the next brilliant filmmaker brave enough to show some dick (!!!!) with the care and respect that the human anatomy and women deserve.