Kelsey, the champagne mami
Kelsey, the champagne mami
Screenshot: ABC/The Bachelor

I only give props where props are due and they are so completely warranted here: the producers on this season of The Bachelor are absolutely killing it. Pilot Peter Weber, a dweeb-y boring man known only for his profession and fucking a bunch of times in a windmill, is currently on the hunt for love. In the premiere episode of his season, which aired last week, Hannah Brown showed up a bunch to make the girls anxious and to make Peter seem more interesting. It mostly worked, but after sitting through three hours of ladies fawning over a man who certainly doesn’t deserve such praise, I was out. I quit the season. I was done. And then, my friends, ChampagneGate occurred.

Last month, host Chris Harrison planted the seed that a contestant named Kelsey, a 28-year-old professional clothier from Des Moines, Iowa, would be the source of something called “ChampagneGate” He also called her “one of the most emotional women” of the season, which I clocked as blatant misogyny, but alas, he was right. Allow me to break it down: Kelsey, who no one remembers from last week, told all the girls in the house that she had been saving a special bottle of champagne from her birthday (?) a year ago (?) for Peter. The details don’t matter. What matters is that she had a strong, intimate, emotional connection to this particular bottle of bubbly, and she was going to have her moment on The Bachelor, with the bachelor in question, if it was the last thing she did. Except, of course, at the same second, Hannah Ann—the villainous model from Knoxville, TN who is also friends with Hannah G. from Colton Underwood’s season of The Bachelor—also asked to have some champagne with Peter. Naturally, there was a mix up. Hannah popped Kelsey’s bottle, and Kelsey broke down.

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And just went you think it’s over, it’s not! Peter goes to comfort Kelsey and share a drink from the bottle that was supposed to be for him and Hannah. They pop it, Kelsey makes a joke about drinking straight from the bottle because she’s not always a “classy bitch,” and when she goes to take a swig, the bottle fizzes directly into her face. I laughed. Kelsey did not.

It was truly sinister television. I can only assume some producer waltzed Hannah to Kelsey’s bottle and that some sick PA was tasked with shaking up the second bottle, or something, but I don’t really care. Whoever is responsible deserves an Emmy. It was glorious.

I can only hope the remainder of the season is full of such sadistic producing. Or, at the very least, Peter ends up with the equally horrible Hannah Ann, whom he deserves. Wouldn’t that be nice? (For what it’s worth, my money is on Madison, even though it is absolutely insane of him to gift her a photo of her with his family on their, what, second date?)

Until next week, Bachelor Nation.

Senior Writer, Jezebel. My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands from NKOTB to BTS, is out 7/21/20.

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